LINDA IKEJI AT 33 – TIME TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET by JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

Well sha I just stumbled on the news that this delectable beauty just turned 33 and would be celebrating her birthday in England, far away from me. Since she has decided to carry herself that far, let me quickly let her know my intentions towards her before one person out there without papers pour sand sand for my garri.

Linda Baby, I have spoken to you on a few occasions, I am that Investment Banker who has been trying to get you to partner with one of my clients.  Each time I call, you will pick the phone and in a smooth chocolaty voice turn down my request. I will just smile cos I know that you really do not understand the opportunity you are missing. 

One day as I was doing some research, I stumbled on the valuation of your blog and I screamed. I decided to pursue you through other means. Since you no gree business, let me kuku chase you. If you become my girlfriend, we can build a family business with me as the Chairman and you as my deputy.

I am offering you the opportunity to be a Calabar wife. This position comes with so much perks, that all your friends will die with envy. First after capturing you, I will send you to Uyo to my mama, so she will teach you the fine art of pounding yam and cooking Afang.  You will need these skills to build a successful career in my house. This would take you a whole four weeks, because as I see you so, we would need to build your muscles first before we start. Ma Calabar will also have to teach you how to pull out periwinkle from its shell. 

When you are through, you will now come back to Lagos and be introduced to your senior wife, who will also teach you the wonderful culinary skills of boiling Indomie. Now this has to be taken seriously, because it’s the only thing I eat after work. You will also be involved in school runs, so the Nanny can rest a bit. You will sleep on the floor as I do not expect your senior would allow you share our bed just yet. You will remove the wigs and revert to Calabar braids, cut your nails and start  using palm oil for your skin.

At 33, you are at the ripe age to join the family business. All these blog thing will have to stop, I don’t like the exposure. You will be involved in selling Garri. You have all it takes to make the business grow. You can talk and you have long hands that would be useful in dipping inside the bag while measuring the kondo as you sell.

You will not call me by name, you will always refer to me as Baba Etekamba and you must kneel each time you bring food for me to eat. You will never dish my food but you will be the expert in charge of serving it. You will also work closely with the driver to ensure that all the cars are in tip top shape. You will be allocated the only tokunbo car in the garage for your use, when you are going to the market.

This whole thing is looking very exciting, kindly send your application letter, stating very clearly, ‘ ‘Application to marry you Sir’. You can send it through Aloba, because he would be on the panel that would scrutinize your request and recommend your engagement or otherwise. Teeheee!!!!

Happy birthday my darling and God bless you and give you many more fruitful years. The wicked will not see you and you will continue to be a beacon of hope in our society. Stay blessed.