LINDA IKEJI AT 33 – TIME TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET by JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

Well sha I just stumbled on the news that this delectable beauty just turned 33 and would be celebrating her birthday in England, far away from me. Since she has decided to carry herself that far, let me quickly let her know my intentions towards her before one person out there without papers pour sand sand for my garri.

Linda Baby, I have spoken to you on a few occasions, I am that Investment Banker who has been trying to get you to partner with one of my clients.  Each time I call, you will pick the phone and in a smooth chocolaty voice turn down my request. I will just smile cos I know that you really do not understand the opportunity you are missing. 

One day as I was doing some research, I stumbled on the valuation of your blog and I screamed. I decided to pursue you through other means. Since you no gree business, let me kuku chase you. If you become my girlfriend, we can build a family business with me as the Chairman and you as my deputy.

I am offering you the opportunity to be a Calabar wife. This position comes with so much perks, that all your friends will die with envy. First after capturing you, I will send you to Uyo to my mama, so she will teach you the fine art of pounding yam and cooking Afang.  You will need these skills to build a successful career in my house. This would take you a whole four weeks, because as I see you so, we would need to build your muscles first before we start. Ma Calabar will also have to teach you how to pull out periwinkle from its shell. 

When you are through, you will now come back to Lagos and be introduced to your senior wife, who will also teach you the wonderful culinary skills of boiling Indomie. Now this has to be taken seriously, because it’s the only thing I eat after work. You will also be involved in school runs, so the Nanny can rest a bit. You will sleep on the floor as I do not expect your senior would allow you share our bed just yet. You will remove the wigs and revert to Calabar braids, cut your nails and start  using palm oil for your skin.

At 33, you are at the ripe age to join the family business. All these blog thing will have to stop, I don’t like the exposure. You will be involved in selling Garri. You have all it takes to make the business grow. You can talk and you have long hands that would be useful in dipping inside the bag while measuring the kondo as you sell.

You will not call me by name, you will always refer to me as Baba Etekamba and you must kneel each time you bring food for me to eat. You will never dish my food but you will be the expert in charge of serving it. You will also work closely with the driver to ensure that all the cars are in tip top shape. You will be allocated the only tokunbo car in the garage for your use, when you are going to the market.

This whole thing is looking very exciting, kindly send your application letter, stating very clearly, ‘ ‘Application to marry you Sir’. You can send it through Aloba, because he would be on the panel that would scrutinize your request and recommend your engagement or otherwise. Teeheee!!!!

Happy birthday my darling and God bless you and give you many more fruitful years. The wicked will not see you and you will continue to be a beacon of hope in our society. Stay blessed.

BIMBO AKINTOLA SIZZLES AT TERRA KULTURE- BULL'S EYE SERIES BY JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

ABIMBOLA AKINTOLA

JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

She had chosen a full house to show us what experts call intense acting. Bimbo was the main pull in this two man play that was written by writer of reference Tyrone Terrence. It was an exciting story about a married couple who after 22 years of marriage were faced with a crisis of identity.  This led the man of the house to find solace in the arms of a much younger lover who so happened to be the friend of their young daughter.


What followed was a long night of introspection, accusation and counter accusation. The husband, Femi didn't understand why his wife could not see that she was the main force behind his indiscretion. Her nagging, cynicism, failure to hero worship him all, led him into the arms of the innocent but very charming arms of Susan.




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BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR- MGBN : a night of unending thrill

Bull's eye is strictly the writer's own opinion about things, situations, events etc. We are not liable for how he expresses himself. 

I knew I was in for the most exciting night of the year for me when I stumbled on Timi Dakolo as I  was checking into my hotel room in Yenogoa. This is one of my favourite balladeers who can deliver a song with the smoothness of a young Michael Bolton. We exchanged pleasantries as he hurriedly drove to the venue. I wondered why the hurry only for me to get into the room, switch on the TV set and discover the show had already started.

The venue was heavily guarded with an assortment of security personnel. This was because it was being held in the Banquet Hall of the Government House. The hall itself was a marvel and the stage transported me to Las Vegas. This was my first such event and I could not help but stare. The damsels all strutted out in magnificent gowns, gorgeously made hair: all looking quite elegant.


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BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH EDGAR- OJB JEZEREEL: THE TRAGEDY OF BEING A CELEBRITY

JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

Now as usual, I will toe the other line. I will take a minority position. For the last one or two weeks, we have been daily assailed by the travails our lovely producer has been going through with his health. I have read that he has issues with his Kidney and needs urgently the sum of N15million to get treatment. All his colleagues have been rallying around him. One, I read even drove a N15m jeep to go make her own donation. At the last count, Don Jazzy, Psquare and Iyanya have all contributed to the Fund. It is slowly but surely grinding into a platform for publicity hungry ‘celebutants.

 

Forgive me, if I as much as I try refuse to be emotional with OJB’s plight. This should not be taken personal at all.  I have nothing against the young man, I have him in my prayers on a daily basis and really wish that he would raise all the money and get his health back. He still has a lot to give to us.

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BULL'S EYE JOSEPH EDGAR SAMPSON ASKS- WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU STUMBLE ON YOUR TEENAGE KID WATCHING PORN?

Joseph Edgar Sampson is our regular columnist, he writes the page known to all now as Bull's Eye. He writes or should we say shoots as he deems okay. No topic is a no go area for him, he loves to get people's reactions. He has those who loves and waits for his next write-ups and he has others also who given the chance would shoot him down. 

For today's write-up he has thought to provoke each and everyone's mind. There are those things we try to hide from, but that we can never run away from either we like it or not. His thought provoking question to all of us is-

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU STUMBLE ON YOUR TEENAGE KID WATCHING PORN?

This question shocks everybody I have asked. The kind of expression I get from people I throw this question at, range from bewilderment to screams. People especially females just freeze, squeeze their faces and begin to cast demons from me.

But the reality is that, porn is everywhere. Our phones, laptops, magazines everywhere and our kids daily assaulted with images and texts all lewd and enticing. The messages are so powerful that even matured people find it difficult to resist talk less of our young children.

So the question now is, what do you do if you are suddenly faced with this situation. Would you scream and faint, would you beat the child mercilessly, would you blame the father who would have accidentally left it for the kids to see, would you go into serious fasting and prayer or would you sit down and watch with the child.

Me I have no answer for this. Each time I look at my daughters, since this crazy thought crept into my head, I cringe.

Let me have your responses. What would you do? 

 

MONALISA, LANRE NZERIBE, EGOR & OTHER STORIES. BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

 

MONALISA CHINDA

MONA & LANRE

JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

Me I don't see what these women see in this Lanre fellow o. I saw him the other day at Cafe Tranche and took my time to study him well. I came out of that session indifferent. I envy him sha, cos that Monalisa girl is a beauty.

The other day, I also saw Monalisa. A damsel with a wonderful skin and luscious lips. Fragile and svelte. So when I saw Lanre, the Disney movie,'Beauty and the beast came to mind.

I really do not know Lanre's claim to fame. I have always wondered why there is so much interest in him and his love life. Even if he has dated a mixture of fine women and forgettable ones, I still do not believe that he deserves all these attention. His mates are changing lives, positively influencing society and creating employment. But for my Egbon, each time his name is mentioned it's over one mature MILF or a gorgeous one like Monalisa.

This testimony by friend of the family is another matter entirely. This great PR work is so wonderful in it's stupidity that I cringed as I read. Let Mona who is enjoying the fruits of the romance be the one to tell us what she is enjoying in the romance. That is if we are even interested in listening. The rate at which we waste our time on frivolity is really amazing.

Time is going o. We would soon all start welcoming our grandchildren o. So we should all engage in more productive things, rather than interest ourselves with whose one that Lanre is dating. Cos from what I have read so far, he still has a lot more to do before arthritis gets to his tongue.

From the write up, I saw that Mona suffered physical abuse, Pele o. If I had known, I would have jumped in and saved her. There is nothing worse than beating up a woman, especially a 'yellow' woman. The skin will turn red and when the colour is artificially aided with cream, you will see a conflagration of colours. Green, yellow, blue and black. It's not funny o. With that Mona's colour, you will just see the South African flag all over her skin.

We thank God, that Lanre the well known defender of the universe had flown in to the rescue. His job is cut out for him. He has to be close to all the Chemist on the Island, cos he must not joke with the supply of creams and from the write up by the great family friend, Lanre is up to the task.

Well, Mona darling, should you ever get tired of Lanre, which I am sure you will, please do not hesitate to contact me through this platform. I have a data base of guys, better suited at taking care of women of your colour.

Egor, I will need you to write a testimonial on me so I can send to my partner who still cannot see my good sides despite all the Affang and Ngwo-Ngwo I have been buying.

......AND I KNOW THIS IYANYA O- BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

IYANYA

JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

As I was about to check out this afternoon, Iyanya came on screen and captured my attention. This Ibibio boy has really made good and i am so proud of him. His songs, mannerisms, swag has really propelled him in the music world.
I once met him with my good friend Azuka Ogujiuba somewhere in Ikoyi. His Calabar accent struck me, he never make money yet then, so the American accent never come that time. We spoke a little bit about his life and his victory at the MTN reality programme. He came across as a very well grounded young man, who knew very clearly his role in life and knew he would not be distracted by any body or anything for that matter.
As we spoke, a lot of young models were fluttering past in different stages of undress. Apparently Azuka had taken me to a modelling agency. I was in a state of shock and was gasping for breath. Well as a Calabar man too, it was not their skinny bodies that was shocking me, but the carefree nature they were throwing nipples at me. This was quite eye opening for me.
Iyanya too was not fazed and acted as if we were in church. We continued speaking and his gesticulations and mannerisms showed his inner childlike nature. He looked quite good and fresh and you could smell that he had just woken from the Deep sleep that poverty had put him in and was cock sure that he was running very far from it at full speed.
Iyanya has been able to prove that my people are also good at other forms of music. Since Mandators put us in bondage, every Calabar/Ibibio man see themselves as budding Reggae stars. All you see on the streets of Uyo are dirty dreadlocks wearing guys, with the hapless guitar strung across there lean shoulders. The fact that the world had moved on was nothing to them.
Iyanya has broken that glass ceiling and has shown that we can compete with the best. Well done Ayineka and may your road continue to be straight.

BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR- Fred Amata: why I don't like him

FRED AMATA

I was on my way to watch Kakadu at The Muson last Saturday, when I stumbled on a red carpet event. On closer look, it was my paddy Fred's 50th. I was mad. So this guy fit do party without inviting me? I bought him his first toothbrush in Lagos o.

I decided to gate crash. I informed the bouncers, that I was his uncle from Warri, but because I am better looking than him, they did not believe . So I was barred from entering. To kill time, I decided to amuse myself by staring at the wannabes who were strutting the red carpet.

These our stars and the way they were rocking their okrika. The swagger and the confidence baffles. Then the ladies, the way they squeeze into the tight clothes, one would expect a seizure anytime. I really enjoyed myself watching them walk on them high heels, holding on to each other so they don't fall down.

I met Fred sometime ago and immediately drew a fancy to him. His role in the Onyeka Onwenu /Sunny Ade collabo still rings a bell in my mind. He has been very prolific and his body of work  is there for all to see. He is a great man, though I still don't like him.

He called last year and invited me to his Xmas special. I went and saw so many great people, Segun Arinze, Monalisa, Dejumo Lewis. I really enjoyed myself though the food finished before it got to my turn.

But seriously, Fred has been a recurring decimal in our creative industry both in front and behind the camera. He has contributed a lot to the development of Nollywood and must be given his pride of place despite his folly when the history of Nollywood would be written. Hi acting and directing are all a study. I hear he is one of the best Directors around and I am so proud of him, though I don't like him.


I reserve my well wishes cos he did not invite me to the party. When he invites me to his 51st, I will wish him well. Meanwhile, I will send him a crate of eggs and a carton of Indomie as my own contribution to his birthday. This marks me out as a better person for sending him gifts even though, he did not invite me to his classy party.

Happy birthday my brother

BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR- DAVID BECKHAM RETIRES?

I write in tears o. My paddy has retired. He had called me last week to discuss the possibility of retiring and I told him to calm down. I advised him to hold because I had just spoken to Ferguson. He took my advise and held his peace.

While traveling on Governor Akpabio's private jet, I broached the topic with his Excellency. He went into a deep analysis comparing Beckham's late retirement to Governor Amaechi's refusal to quit the Governor's forum. He threatened to buy PSG and immediately sack Beckham since he could not stand sit tight people. I however got a better idea. I suggested that we should use Beckham as his campaign manager for his run at the Senate. Akpabio jumped for joy, left his plate of Affang and called David Akpan Beckham and invited him to Uyo.

David Beckham grew up in Uyo, where is mother sold Fufu and Ekpang to send him to football school. We used to walk the streets of Uyo, playing football. I sold Ikong and was more popular with the girls because of my sexy teeth. I gave him his first girlfriend Ekaette and when Victoria came on board I fought tooth and nail for him to resist her. But the juju she came with was too strong that David could not resist.



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HABA UNCLE OBIAGBENA- BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

 

JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

PRINCE NDUKA OBAIGBENA

Today I write with righteous anger. The yabis I received from my last article on Saka and Etisalat almost made my wife consider leaving me. As I no want be widower na, I decide to retire.
But like a bolt, the news emanating from ThisDay Newspapers, brought me out of my self imposed exile. I first got the news from a BB broadcast so I immediately called one of my friends and he confirmed that they had not been paid for six months. Haba uncle Nduka!!!.
Six months, without pay. That is wicked especially if you consider the fact that this uncle is strutting on the world stage doing things he has no business doing and wasting money in the process. Arise Magazine, colossal waste of time, ThisDay Awards for Teachers and I even hear he is setting up a 24 hour news channel to rival CNN all at the expense of his hardworking and talented staff.
If he lived like his business was suffering, one would understand. But I hear he still lives like a Lord on borrowed money, flies private jets and drinks only the best of drinks. I am sorry to say, but I  have no respect for such people.
I had tried to market him once, the way he brushed me off the phone you would think I had scabies. So this is my pay back. Oga pay your people. Maybe if you weren't owing them, I won't be kicking you like this. You brought this upon yourself.
As a young visionary, uncle used to be the kind of person I wanted to be. The beautiful Bow-ties, the courage, the mystic all made me put him up there as one of my greatest mentors. But as I grew in my career and started hearing things and reading much about him, he started dropping on my scale and today, he is on the floor.
How do you expect people to feed their families, meet up other responsibilities and still do their jobs diligently all on no pay for six months?. Na real wa.
I am taking this very personal because the title is my favourite title hosting some of the most talented writers and journalist I have come to admire. People like Segun Adeniyi, whose prose gives me feelings better than what I get from sex, Lanre Alfred, a fine gentleman, Azuka Ogujuiba, a passionate professional, Goddy Egene and a host of others.
No wonder I have been getting my favourite Style pullout on Sundays repeated. At times you get the previous week's edition secretly put in the current edition. When I called the Editor to ask, instead of her to tell me say, no money to pay printer, she start to blame vendor for Maryland.
Uncle, please forget the New York City models, we are tired of seeing Bill Clinton, and we could not careless for another Leadership Awards, just pay people their salaries.

Please do not vex o, I cannot withstand your power, should you try to fight me o. I am not Gani or Keyamo, I am just a poor Akwa Ibom man wey him papa don die, so don't fight me o, just pay people dem entitlement.

BULL'S EYE-BY JOSEPH EDGAR- SAKA, MTNETISALAT & PORTABILITY WAHALA!!!

It's another bomb from our regular columnist-Joseph Edgar. It's his own view on things generally and he is most definitely entitled to it. Please read and enjoy!

 I heard all the stories about the 'great' MTN coup, how they snatched Saka from Etisalat and how beautiful the advert was. Well me I do not watch NTA again so I did not come about the advert early enough. When I eventually came about the advert, my disappointment was palpable.

What hit me was an ugly looking Saka jumping up and about on a well lit stage, mouthing lyrics that were barely up to the standard of a nursery school child about his porting or what are they calling it. The lyrics were at best pedestrian, the costuming was banal, the dancing comic and in all, the advert was passable.

I did not and still do not understand the hullabaloo following the advert release. If I were the managers of Etisalat, I would say good riddance. This is not to say that Saka is not good at what he does, he is extremely brilliant at making a fool of himself in the name of comedy. This time he has carried his craft to a wider audience, which in itself is good for him but for the brand, he represents I would not know.

The porting thing sef, I hear is too much hassle. I would loose all my contacts, not have access to my phone for 48 hours and would not be able to change networks for another 90 days. So the question is, why would I want to go through all that stress for the same rubbish quality of service. They are all the same in poor quality service delivery. The only thing they are good at is in collecting the money and churning out stupid adverts like this latest one.

Me, I am not porting anything. Saka can jump and scream with his cheap Adire and poor dentition as much as he likes I would not change my stance. They are all the same. Watch out, in another 3 months, he will jump back in another cheap Adire and would be screaming, 'i don deport o'. He had better invest well otherwise, I see him in the gutter of history.

BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH EDGAR- UTI & ALEX: MY NEW BEST FRIENDS

 

ALEX EKUBO & UTI NWACHUKWU

JOSEPH EDGAR

When I got the BB message from Abu, the enigmatic Publisher of Mode Men, asking me to be part of the Seventh year anniversary of the magazine at the Raddison Blu Hotel, I knew I was up for an exciting turn. The dress code was as usual different. We were all expected to come in black as if it would be a gathering of kidnappers.

Well as I always do in these celebrity things, I dress simple. I do this because I am not expected to compete with people whose job it is to look good. So to my friend Patrick at Falomo Bus Stop, I ran to, and he gave me a body fitting Polo top. I matched this with my navy blue khaki pants Kalu had sewn for me and completed the look with my favourite Zara wet look loafers and I was ready to wine and dine with the glitteratti.

Immediately I walked in, I saw the very brilliant Yinka Davies. Now this is one Diva I respect with every vein in my body. We had a handshake, I hugged her and took some pictures with her. She remained gracious and took my fawning with characteristic glee. I looked around the room and saw so many interesting people and began to wonder how Abu does it. Abiye Karibi-Whyte and his delectable wife, Aloba and his exotic wife, Seyi Shay, the who wants to be a millionaire guy, with his sofay trouser, Okey Bakassi and so many wonderful people.

But my story today, hmmm, na Alex and Uti o!!! I found myself seated on the same table with these people o.  Kai, these people fine o. Me and my friend Bose Alimi, were just staring. Bose didn't eat throughout from amazement o. Let me start with Alex. I had once seen him at Chivita and I immediately thought he was Brazilian. The skin, the height and the aloofness caught my attention. So seated so close to him, made me feel so ordinary. The boy fine pass Beckham. Boyish, playful and charismatic. I said a little prayer and said hello to him. He immediately responded like we were childhood friends and we started playing like Amaechi and Jonathan.

After sometime, I said my little prayer again and walked up to Uti. Now this is a different story. Seated opposite him, Bose and I had studied him very well o.  The dreads on his head were 56 strands, yes I counted it o. His skin was smooth and chocolatey although covered with light makeup. A slight resemblance to my King Tubaba, made me go further weak in the knees. I squeaked hello and in his smooth voice responded and we had a little business talk.

I took picture with him o and my stupid blackberry battery died as soon as the shot was taken. Well sha, he shook me and I smelt his perfume. I went back to Bose, who asked me about the experience. I told her to go have her own but she shy.

Well, I have read so much about these two guys and have also heard so much. I think these are great guys, who bring sparkle to every gathering. I have watched them from afar at events and see the way they laugh and radiate joy. I simply love them not only for their looks but also for what they represent, which to me is simplicity and love. So talented in what they know how to do best, yet so humble as to play childish pranks that spreads laughter. They are two great guys and I simply admire them and I know dey quick like people, ask Aloba.

The only draw back in the evening was that, just as I was warming up to ask Alex to give me that exquisite suit he was wearing, Bose whispers into my ears, say no be him own. That the dark angry looking Yoruba guy seated beside him was the real owner of the suit and was waiting to collect it. So I respect myself.

Well sha, suit or no suit, Alex and Uti have today won my heart, with their great looks, taste in clothes, but above all their childish innocence and humility. Great guys.