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Friday, May 17, 2013


I write in tears o. My paddy has retired. He had called me last week to discuss the possibility of retiring and I told him to calm down. I advised him to hold because I had just spoken to Ferguson. He took my advise and held his peace.

While traveling on Governor Akpabio's private jet, I broached the topic with his Excellency. He went into a deep analysis comparing Beckham's late retirement to Governor Amaechi's refusal to quit the Governor's forum. He threatened to buy PSG and immediately sack Beckham since he could not stand sit tight people. I however got a better idea. I suggested that we should use Beckham as his campaign manager for his run at the Senate. Akpabio jumped for joy, left his plate of Affang and called David Akpan Beckham and invited him to Uyo.

David Beckham grew up in Uyo, where is mother sold Fufu and Ekpang to send him to football school. We used to walk the streets of Uyo, playing football. I sold Ikong and was more popular with the girls because of my sexy teeth. I gave him his first girlfriend Ekaette and when Victoria came on board I fought tooth and nail for him to resist her. But the juju she came with was too strong that David could not resist.


Their four sons, Etekamba, Umoh, Akpan and Mfon are very close to my kids while his last daughter Mayen is my daughter Zara's best friend.

Beckham has given the world a lot. His style, trends, charity and most of all his football. The day Ferguson hit him with a boot I was there. Infact it was me that was fighting Ferguson o. Beckham only got involved on my behalf and got hit for my sake. He was that kind of friend.

Victoria his wife, I call her Imabong doesn't really like me. Till today she has not forgiven me for giving Rebecca Loos to her husband. I had warned David ooo that I am not there o, but by the time he saw her he could not resist. So I did not understand why Vicky kicked me out of the BQ.

I love my brother and because of him, I shop at the River Island outlets where he shops. I just acquired one of his signature River Island Chinos he made popular the day he ran the streets of London looking for a gift for Mayen his daughter. The Chinos sold out all over England that day and it has taken me all of one year to get mine. His tattoos are quite stylish. I have some, only Five as against the whole of his body including his Pecker. I no fit stand the pain.

I liked his football but preferred his style. His person, his humility and his very beautiful family all added up to make him the global icon he is today.

Governor Akpabio has called an emergency cabinet meeting to decide what  gift the State will send to our son. I have been invited as the only Ibibio man who is very close to him to advice. I have sent a preliminary report, no Jeeps, no parties in Dubai, we should look at sending Ini Edo to serve him as his maid for life with all the Ekpang Nkukwo we can get to help his running stomach.

A great icon has left the game and the game will not be the same. Please call David on 08027330000 to great him and beg for jersey or pant.


Tutsiebabes said...

Nice piece! Hilarious

Fan said...

Very funny!

Anonymous said...

You just a funny dude. U dey try sha.keep it up

Anonymous said...

Uncle E! Na wa for u! If I enter that your office come waylay u, u go hear!